Bright and early yesterday morning JMC, our friend Nate and I drove to Honolulu for a medical screening. We were being "screened" to see if we could participate in the testing of a drug for $3000! Shoot, I would do just about anything for that much! Except prostitution of course. (Oh and Dad the drug is FDA approved don't worry)
The testing started at 7:30 and I had to be to work at 10:30, plenty of time right?? Well little did I know this was no walk through the park!! However, all was going pretty smoothly until. . . . . dun dun dun The Urine Sample. I was handed a cup with a lid, a cleansing wipe and then instructed to clean my pee hole(excuse the crude words) with the wipe and then fill the cup at least half full (JMC filled his to the top and was pretty proud of himself for it) and oh by the way she said don't flush the toilet. So in I went. Cleaned. Peed. Flushed. Oops. I walk out with my head hung down as I confess my sin to the pee collector. She said "you will have to give us another one. Here is some water.” JMC shakes his head at me as I start to chug the water.
Fifteen minutes later I am ready for another go. I am handed a cup and a cleansing wipe with no instructions except “don’t flush!” I knew the game plan. I cleaned. I peed. I flushed. Oops. Right as the water started to flow I ran to the door and said “I flushed again!!” The pee collector came running in and watched the murky yellow water go down the toilet. She turned to me and again said “we will need another sample.” Are you kidding me!! I mean she saw it go down right?? Where did they think I was getting the yellow substance from anyway! I emptied my pockets before going in so unless my name is David Blaine (which it is not) I don’t know where else I would have gotten it! So I sat down and started drinking, with JMC and Nate laughing and shaking their heads.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. I was ready for round three and I was nervous. They even suggested having JMC come in with me to remind me not to flush. How humiliating, I can only imagine “don’t do it honey, don’t you dare flush that toilet. Oh good job honey, you did it.” Thank goodness they remembered that only one person could be in there at a time. So in I went alone, with cup, cleansing wipe and a note that said “DO NOT FLUSH!!” which I lovingly placed on top of the toilet. I cleaned, I peed and I bravely walked away from the toilet without flushing!! I was proud and I walked out (with a FULL cup, bet that JMC I did it three times!) letting a little woohoo escape my lips.
Then after the drug results were back I was on to the blood test (yikes I hate needles). I sat down ready to be poked and sucked of blood. The blood taker guy tap, tap, tapped on one arm and then the other and then again on the other one. He looks at me and says “your veins are too small we are going to exclude you form the study.” Excuse me?? After all that water I just drank you are telling me my veins are too small?? Sure enough.
So after three and a half hours of testing which, made me late to work and, giving myself water intoxication I failed because my veins were too small.
After only an hour at work I had already gone to the bathroom three times. Each time I went I questioned if I should flush or not.
11 years ago
